Buhari’ll Pick Fayose As Running Mate In 2019, Fashola’ll Take A New Wife – 2017 Prophecies


This funny piece was first published By ThisDay with the headline; Governor Akinwumi Ambode : Hmmm, You are Surprising Me o!!!!!!!!!!

Look, let it be said today that this personality is really surprising not only me but a lot of Lagosians. The transformation and policies of this administration have so far continued to wow people o even me included. No wonder the recent subscription of the latest tranche of the Lagos State Bond was subscribed by over 80%, beating the Federal Government’s own which recorded a 52% subscription, showing massive investor confidence in the government and its ability to appropriate the funds. At the Parliament in Surulere – that is Emeka’s joint for the uninitiated, Ambode’s performance was discussed at length. Friday, a strong member of the parliament who had just come from the signing ceremony of the Lagos State Bond triggered the conversation and everybody seated –  mostly Igbo-born Lagosians agreed totally that this governor was working. In fact, Big J Iwellumo who was Fashola’s neighbour at some point in his life also concurred. Igwe sang Ambode’s praises to the rooftops listing his road construction projects, the deft use of technology in revenue collections, the support of the entertainment industry, the continuous opening up of the Lekki free trade zone, the signing of the Fourth Lagos Bridge amongst others. For me, I just kept quiet and was looking at them waiting for who will pay for my drink. Na so dem dey do, they will talk, talk, talk and then just stand up and walk away without paying for my drink leaving me at the mercy of Emeka who no dey joke with him money as a result of Ambode’s tax people’s effective collection of their dues from Emeka.
Professor Osinbajo’s Choir and the Missing Jonathan
When I saw the clip, I had to quickly check to see if I was watching a comedy channel or if it was some kind of photoshop. I was initially reluctant to say anything about this caricature because I was not sure of its authenticity. But as I began to see it everywhere including credible news platforms with no denial from the Vice President’s office, then I would no longer hesitate to comment. First let me congratulate Mr. Jonathan for not being part of this mimicry. I hope the present travails of his wife were not the reasons for his absence, or how would it have looked for him to be singing while his wife is undergoing the kind of pressure she is presently undergoing? Whatever the reason for his absence, I think it was very perfect that he stayed away. As I watched the parody, I really could not help myself from laughing, Chief Ernest Shonekan, or should I say the actor that represented him could not sing to save his life and his voice? Let’s just say this person would not win any singing competition. Then as I looked on, I saw my Hero General Diya, aghhhhh Baba where did they get him from o? He was the most handsome of the lot and has really aged well. He sat in front with his ever-present gold chain singing with the confidence of a Methodist choir boy. I hail o Oga. My Lord and Master OBJ in his usual cocky and confident way mesmerised in the performance. What he lacked in voice quality he made up with swag. His comportment and composure was world class as he delivered his lines. Chief Ekwueme was a marvel as he sat there with the headphone looking like he really should be doing something else but then again, duty calls. Chief Ebitu Ukiwe was also a surprise. He has really been quiet so you can imagine my surprise seeing him in the music cast. The lead singer appeared to be General Gowon who sang like two verses. There was no Federal Character in deciding who sang what as Gowon got more verses than the rest of them and finally the choir master, Chief Osinbajo who tried so much to show unmissable talent in his rendition. Well, the whole thing croaked to a crescendo and I was relieved and happy that none of our past leaders keeled and fell over from the stress of singing a song they really could not care less about. So you may ask why they did it. If na dem at all, that is if no be photoshop. Well my people I did not get the answer until few days later when I saw a report saying that the federal government has spent over N12b on past leaders in the past 10 years and then it clicked. Who will not join choir after receiving so much? Na wa.
Bolanle Austen Peters at the Okija Shrine
None other than the Obi Jackson Foundation could have perfected this act, making my darling sister Bolanle worship at the world-famous Okija shrine. In its bid to promote the culture of the Okija people showing the world much more of its culture and traditions than the shrine, it contracted my sister and mentor, Bolanle Austen Peters, to produce and direct a play with the title, ‘Road to Okija’ for its end-of-year merriment. The play as expected was quite explosive as it left the Okija people and its guests at the proposed Jesuit College venue with amazement. The play followed Emeka, a young man from Okija but based in Lagos as he carries his friend Tunde who never really understood anything about Okija people apart from stories he had heard about the dreaded shrine through a journey of rediscovery, opening his eyes to the wonders and colours of the Okija people. That this play with the other activities on parade including performances by Phyno and the evergreen Bright Chimezie left the guests including the Executive Governor of Anambra State, Chief Willie Obiano in bewilderment, is an understatement. For me, the fact that theatre is beginning to be appreciated in the hinterlands remains the icing on the cake in this matter. So Okija 2017 na me and una.
Shade Ladipo Excites Me
Rarely do I get carried away with pretty damsels. You see, ever since my Erelu forgave me after presenting her with two baskets of onions, one pack of indomie and a live crocker fish, I have been very wary of falling off the wagon especially during this recession where prices of items have hit the roof. But recently, I met this ‘On-Air-Personality’ and travel entrepreneur and her look and gait blew me away. She looked so healthy with a smooth skin. As I watched her do her thing I noticed she kept sipping from a mug and I guessed this must be her secret. So I stole the pack of Friska tea that was on her table to go give my Erelu to try. Trust my Erelu who wanted to know where I got it from, I told her I bought it from the shop and when she asked for the receipt, as a sharp guy I told her I saw it in the hamper I had just given her. You cannot catch snake o. Back to Shade, I send New Year hailing so and no vex for your tea wey I thief o, it is needed.
James Ibori: Much Ado About Nothing
My friends from Delta State have almost chopped off my head and indeed the head of anybody who dared to criticise the continued glorification and almost deification of the person of Mr James Ibori. Now, remember that there are two Iboris. For those of you who are confused, the Ibori I am talking about here is the one that was two-term governor of Delta State and not the one that was convicted some years ago on a tiny misdemeanor concerning roofing sheet. This one has for sometime now been a distinguished guest of Her Majesty, the Queen in one of her numerous guest houses. Ever since the news of his release was announced, his people in Delta have gone crazy with celebrations and joy at his imminent return home. It was even alleged that the Delta State government who have been finding it difficult to pay teachers salaries was releasing a tidy sum of N1b to renovate his mansion in his town. You see, having looked critically at this matter and finding myself with no matrimonial linkage to the Iboris, I will come out and say my mind not caring what Ejiro or Dafe thinks. To me this celebration reeks of gargantuan insensitivity to the poor people of Delta State and a general insult to the hard-working people of Nigeria. Let me leave it at that for now till I cool down. I will not want to start the New Year ruffling the feathers of very powerful people who have decided to celebrate impunity rather than use it as a lesson to educate the younger ones on how not to misuse power. I will come back to this as soon as I receive clearance from my prophet.
2017: My Predictions
All the prophets have sent out their annual predictions. Some mundane, some downright scary but mostly idiotic. These prophets and preachers done see mumu for our people o. These predictions are meant to scare our leaders who will now run to them for prayers and protection. Well for me, my predictions are meant to ensure good governance, fidelity amongst married couples and the continued resistance of the encroaching homosexual culture on our youths. So here goes. President Buhari needs a lot of prayers this year to avoid me emerging as one of his sons-in-law. I see a likely bridge being built between the Katsina and Akwa Ibom axis to serve as a bulwark against Tinubu’s mega party and this might lead to me marrying any of his available daughters. He will need serious prayers to avoid this imminent event. Saraki should be afraid of Dino Malaye. Melaye will make a strong bid to take his Rolls Royce car. Saraki should read Psalm 91 and drink palm oil on the 14th of February at exactly 7.00 am to avoid this. Five gay men would be exposed in one of the big churches in Lekki. They will confess to their sins and beg for forgiveness. Fashola will take a new wife if effective prayers are not made. So mummy, please give me a call and I will send you some strong prayers to do. Do not worry it can be handled na small matter just come and say thank you after. Don Jazzy and Dbanj will make up. Tiwa Savage will go back to her husband and Toke Makinwa will write a new book titled, ‘help me beg my husband’. The Redeemed Christian Church and Winners chapel will merge to stave off depleting revenues occasioned by the recession. A new ponzi scheme from Ikot Ekpene will take over from the Russian MMM. Generally, life will be sweet for Nigerians as we will find a cure for AIDs in Ekiti. Fayose will emerge Buhari’s running mate in 2019, Wike and Amaechi will quit politics and the Naira will hit N1000 per dollar bringing the Emir of Kano back to the CBN to stem this rubbish. No Nigerian will die throughout this year and finally, Pastor Chris Okotie will cut off his jerry curly hair marking his emergence into belated maturity. Thus says the lord from the shrine in Shomolu. See ya.
-News Punch

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